Keep Contentment Close

Contentment; that word now feels like a warm blanket.
I remember being more than content, but like any time in life,
things were good and bad.
But it was the good, the things that got me up in the morning
and kept me up most of the night that made my life years ago
so Amazing.

Have you ever dreamed of a way of life?
Ever had a visual in your mind of what that life would look like?
I had a vision, and my life began to reflect it! I was in heaven.
Sure, it wasn't all roses. Nothing Ever is. But it was Glorious.

My wife was beginning to find herself, truly, and took command
of her mind as well as her body.
I went to sleep every night, despite any hardships I may have faced,
Complete.
I was feeding my soul, and paying the bills! Imagine that life!
While I complained about work I loved it.
When I complained about money we had it.
I just wanted more.
Is the grass ever greener though?

I had a life of creating music, music that made our friends fuckin' Move
and other people we didn't even know- they felt moved.
We Rocked dancefloors
in Europe
in Miami
all over Manhattan and Brooklyn
We fuckin' went for it All. I know I did
and I know my boy did too.
We were a Slammin' team on the 1's and 2's - even our friends felt it
and told us about it, and made us feel like fuckin' Giants.

We Were Giants.
When you've got a crowd in the palm of your hand
You Know, you know what its like to connect with
complete strangers, even if just for a moment
and that's God in those Connections.
Not in Our Acts
but in our Hearts.

I felt like that Giant for a little while,
and I worked my Ass off to feel that way
but when it came time to fight for it,
For for what We Had


I folded. Folded to commitments
made out of lust for Understanding.

and found myself
running further away.
Further away from the past,
Not Being in the Present.

and Everything Fell Apart.
Everything.

I Longed to feel like that Giant.
A Giant Amongst Bigger Giants.
they towered over me, and comforted me
and guided me, and watched out for Me
and Cared.
They didn't see my mother in my eyes
or who I was as a child.

They just believed in Me.

and We had Music
Everywhere
and it Was Glorious.

I still Long to feel that way,
Looking forward to Saturday night.
thinking about the music we're gonna hear
over the weekend, through the weekend,
All Weekend.

No Future Trippin' they say
you gotta rebuild
On Day at a Time.
Fuckin' hell.
I was fuckin Contented!
and Happy, and Loved
and Cherished, and I loved
and Cherished
and I miss all the Fools that Inspired
this Fragmented,
From the Heart,
I don't Give a Shit,
I'm Fuckin' Sayin' it,
I Fuckin' Lova ya,
kinda prose,

Aimed without fear
aimed at you.



For the Crew, you know who you are
You mighta danced with us, you mighta danced to Us
but You Remember... and we all looked great dancing
together, Didn't We????

Check out "The Tower" by Soapbox Army.Their album is in my top 5 for 09: http://ping.fm/4rMUS

Working on letter of intent for job at LA Audio/Video and VFX. Goin for it all finally. What ya do when U got nothin to lose

Latest BuzzOfTheBay blog: http://bit.ly/94Xdd Bay Area Artists! Are You Taking Advantage of the MANY Online Tools Available to You??

Can't Climb The Wall

Fuck.

It's been so long.
so very long

since something Good
stayed Good.

What the Fuck.

I've bled myself Dry,
been leaking ever since,

ever since success in Life found me

Debts, Emotional debts, spiritual debts,
Financial debts

following years of Mistakes

Decisions made from the head,
not the Heart.

I keep moving,
just moving,

or I Die.

I pray.
I say things like God, I offer myself to Thee
to build with me, and to do with me as Thy Wilt

Sometimes Hashem hides from me
or
I hide from him

when I need him

when I need her
when I need you
when I need them
When I lose it All

and When I run

and when i Fall

Feeling Irrelevant Can Bring Back the Light

The last two weeks have been rough.

I've been feeling irrelevant. My entire professional career, spent busting my ass in both the high end audio and music industries, has been for naught.

I was given the chance for a dream job, Great pay, back in the entertainment industry three weeks ago. The man whom I would have worked for, had he given me the job, knew me. He knew my past work, and that I was a dedicated person, and that my work ethic is exactly what he needed.

Well, he said he considered me more of a peer, and he would feel bad "having me be the guy to get his coffee." What bullshit. Needless to say I didn't get the job, even after a terrific, forty-five minute phone call with the guy.

I say look asshole (well, I didn't say it to him); here's a "peer" who needs a job! So what if he wanted to hire some eye candy with nice tits, at least tell me so!

Anyway, so it took the wind right out my fuckin' sails. It felt like a chance to live the life I loved years ago, a life full of smiles, full of dancing, nice dinners, traveling, and well, actually fuckin' living!

That's the life we had from 1998 to 2004. Not a bad run I suppose. There aren't alot of people that can pinpoint a time in their lives when they were most happy. Well, at least I can do that.

I've been kicking myself for leaving New York more and more these days. I was the bitch, I didn't stand up for the fact that I was so happy, and that's not on my wife. That's on me. People tell me I need to get over it, that I need to move on. They're right, but I don't think I will ever forgive myself, so, what do I do?

I change everything the fuck up. It's all I can do.

I won't ever let myself off the hook for giving up the life I always wanted; working in music, producing music, DJing around the world with my best friend, traveling with dear friends, money in the savings account.

But that life is no more, and I've been chasing it for too long. I have nothing, we have nothing, actually less than that. Our one good investment (aside of my wife's surgery) was our fuckin' Rav4 for Christs sake, and they recently took that away from us too.

I live in fuckin' Antioch, East Bay, California. I love California, and I'm never going back to the East Coast. All that was there for me, everything that I had worked for, those solid connections and jobs awaiting, they're all gone.

That wonderful old life does not exist here. I can't even fuckin' play any records, and I've been out of the game too long now.

Time to change it up. Perhaps it's time to join the herd, and this I do not say with the slightest bit of sarcasm. I always wanted to teach, but the schooling would be too long and we have no money.

Time to learn a real trade. Hell, who knows, but I realize the reason for my fuckin' dark times is that I simply won't forgive myself, and because of that I must change Everything.



*This was a means of pure expression, and I needed to say this to somebody, so I wrote it here.

The bitter Taste of Success, Well, After it's Gone

I tasted success.
It wasn't handed to me,
I earned that shit.
I worked my fuckin' ass off
to become the man I am.
To have worked for and with
some of the greatest minds of
our century,

That was a gift
that I am trying desperately not to Squander.

I had all I needed.
An amazing Wife,
two jobs that I was passionate about,
Great Friends around us,
the chance to rock a fuckin dance floor,
having fuckin fun,
in the way that friends crazy for each other have.

I fuckin squandered it all. I thought moving to my wife's birthplace
would be great for both of us. Just bad timing.
I don't regret moving to Cali
Well, not the second time coming back anyway

and I, now, feel very much at home here.
But things are fuckin rough, having to rebuild,
Completely.
Fuckin health insurance, accidents, fuckin pills, FUCK
I was however, from the bottom of my heart
Always Chasing Righteousness. It illuded me for a while.

and I left Hashem
and so he left me

Man I blew it.

I just muthafuckin' blew it people. We blew it.

I am rebuilding

and, while it seems fuckin
Impossible
because it feels like we can not catch up
sometimes,
just catch up to ourselves
Who We Were, and who We Are.

But we have fuckin found ourselves again
and perhaps we needed to go through all these SHITTY
Nightmares

To escape the will to run
run away into fuckin intoxicants
and evil people

We are, at least, clear in mind and body
and that is Something
I guess

But Fuck I do miss Success.