Working on letter of intent for job at LA Audio/Video and VFX. Goin for it all finally. What ya do when U got nothin to lose

Latest BuzzOfTheBay blog: http://bit.ly/94Xdd Bay Area Artists! Are You Taking Advantage of the MANY Online Tools Available to You??

Can't Climb The Wall

Fuck.

It's been so long.
so very long

since something Good
stayed Good.

What the Fuck.

I've bled myself Dry,
been leaking ever since,

ever since success in Life found me

Debts, Emotional debts, spiritual debts,
Financial debts

following years of Mistakes

Decisions made from the head,
not the Heart.

I keep moving,
just moving,

or I Die.

I pray.
I say things like God, I offer myself to Thee
to build with me, and to do with me as Thy Wilt

Sometimes Hashem hides from me
or
I hide from him

when I need him

when I need her
when I need you
when I need them
When I lose it All

and When I run

and when i Fall

Feeling Irrelevant Can Bring Back the Light

The last two weeks have been rough.

I've been feeling irrelevant. My entire professional career, spent busting my ass in both the high end audio and music industries, has been for naught.

I was given the chance for a dream job, Great pay, back in the entertainment industry three weeks ago. The man whom I would have worked for, had he given me the job, knew me. He knew my past work, and that I was a dedicated person, and that my work ethic is exactly what he needed.

Well, he said he considered me more of a peer, and he would feel bad "having me be the guy to get his coffee." What bullshit. Needless to say I didn't get the job, even after a terrific, forty-five minute phone call with the guy.

I say look asshole (well, I didn't say it to him); here's a "peer" who needs a job! So what if he wanted to hire some eye candy with nice tits, at least tell me so!

Anyway, so it took the wind right out my fuckin' sails. It felt like a chance to live the life I loved years ago, a life full of smiles, full of dancing, nice dinners, traveling, and well, actually fuckin' living!

That's the life we had from 1998 to 2004. Not a bad run I suppose. There aren't alot of people that can pinpoint a time in their lives when they were most happy. Well, at least I can do that.

I've been kicking myself for leaving New York more and more these days. I was the bitch, I didn't stand up for the fact that I was so happy, and that's not on my wife. That's on me. People tell me I need to get over it, that I need to move on. They're right, but I don't think I will ever forgive myself, so, what do I do?

I change everything the fuck up. It's all I can do.

I won't ever let myself off the hook for giving up the life I always wanted; working in music, producing music, DJing around the world with my best friend, traveling with dear friends, money in the savings account.

But that life is no more, and I've been chasing it for too long. I have nothing, we have nothing, actually less than that. Our one good investment (aside of my wife's surgery) was our fuckin' Rav4 for Christs sake, and they recently took that away from us too.

I live in fuckin' Antioch, East Bay, California. I love California, and I'm never going back to the East Coast. All that was there for me, everything that I had worked for, those solid connections and jobs awaiting, they're all gone.

That wonderful old life does not exist here. I can't even fuckin' play any records, and I've been out of the game too long now.

Time to change it up. Perhaps it's time to join the herd, and this I do not say with the slightest bit of sarcasm. I always wanted to teach, but the schooling would be too long and we have no money.

Time to learn a real trade. Hell, who knows, but I realize the reason for my fuckin' dark times is that I simply won't forgive myself, and because of that I must change Everything.



*This was a means of pure expression, and I needed to say this to somebody, so I wrote it here.

The bitter Taste of Success, Well, After it's Gone

I tasted success.
It wasn't handed to me,
I earned that shit.
I worked my fuckin' ass off
to become the man I am.
To have worked for and with
some of the greatest minds of
our century,

That was a gift
that I am trying desperately not to Squander.

I had all I needed.
An amazing Wife,
two jobs that I was passionate about,
Great Friends around us,
the chance to rock a fuckin dance floor,
having fuckin fun,
in the way that friends crazy for each other have.

I fuckin squandered it all. I thought moving to my wife's birthplace
would be great for both of us. Just bad timing.
I don't regret moving to Cali
Well, not the second time coming back anyway

and I, now, feel very much at home here.
But things are fuckin rough, having to rebuild,
Completely.
Fuckin health insurance, accidents, fuckin pills, FUCK
I was however, from the bottom of my heart
Always Chasing Righteousness. It illuded me for a while.

and I left Hashem
and so he left me

Man I blew it.

I just muthafuckin' blew it people. We blew it.

I am rebuilding

and, while it seems fuckin
Impossible
because it feels like we can not catch up
sometimes,
just catch up to ourselves
Who We Were, and who We Are.

But we have fuckin found ourselves again
and perhaps we needed to go through all these SHITTY
Nightmares

To escape the will to run
run away into fuckin intoxicants
and evil people

We are, at least, clear in mind and body
and that is Something
I guess

But Fuck I do miss Success.

don't know yet

I never intended any harm.
Not to anyone.

This dragon,
was born of the past
and still haunts

my Present.

I keep it at bay
with love,
by trying to hold onto
the Truth.

Life is often impossible.
and my Soul,
seeks out the darkness
at times.

The light
can be illusive.

The world seems blurred,
distorted
when seen through the eyes of
the unrighteous.

I chase
righteousness

and always try
to seek the light

Meandering Matrix Thoughts

Life can be so odd at times. Just when you think the important things are lined up for success they begin to meander like the racing thoughts in your head. Sometimes it seems necessary to un-plug from both cyber and real time and space for a while. We are constantly hit with this barrage of information from all angles, effecting all senses as the result.

I find this in my writing assignments. Since I work in and around music and the record business there is always something to listen to or write about. One of the greater skills I have to master is finding the music that is not only good (enough for me to listen to anyway) but good enough to write about. I write about things that move me; mentally, physically, and spiritually. So, when I am searching for stuff that appeals to me I am bombarded with endless information on everything having to with artists and new (and classic) tunes. This can get overwhelming at times.

I'm not trying to be a little bitch about it. I realized that I am blessed to be doing the things I do for a living (and I'm far from rich). But the truth is that this same situation affects alot of us. We end up plugging into this electro-infused gatework of telecommunications and entertainment. The sensory overload clouds the judgment, and therefore some of us end up making the wrong decisions. This is when it's time to unplug.

Remember; there was a time when we lived a life unplugged. When I was a kid (not to sound like an old man, because I'm not that, at age 33) we used to spend more time outside than anybody does today; including today's kids. The video games and movies were activities for the fall-out of playing outside all day. Our bodies were tired, but our brains kept moving in that super conductive-teenage way. The games, the virtual representations of the real world, were endeared because; either we couldn't get out, or go back to the real world for a little while. There was a sense of discovery, a love affair with the outside world which seems to be diminishing.

This concept; that mankind is moving away from the natural world, is both alarming and just Goddamn depressing. It is alarming because the line between the real and "virtual" (or computer generated) blurs frequently. This can be very dangerous, especially when we're talking about the influence of strictly, wholly, violent video games played by our kids. The games seem so real (I've played, and play now, some of them) that they sometimes (unfortunately) correlate with a particular kids situations. Translation: If the kid lives in the ghetto, is surrounded by drug dealers and wanna-be thugs, the game is an approximation of his real life!

You wonder how a kid can walk into a school and shoot other kids like he's playing a damn video game? Well, get behind the viewing angle of your childrens games for a minute and things will crystallize for you. The more a person engages himself or herself in the virtual world, the less interesting the real world becomes. This isn't the sole problem plaguing the youth, or us for that matter, but it is a component.

I've been making the outside a priority of late. I make small goals daily (go for a short drive to a local park, or a bike ride, etc.) and the notice in my attitude is apparent immediately. It's almost as if I have been re-calibrated. The feeling itself is addictive, which as great for me, and so I recommend it to anybody that spends their day staring into a computer screen.

This rant was inspired by my dear friend Mina - who once told me I needed to "defragment my mental hard-drive by doing nothing, or meditating for five minutes a day". She asked me to do ten minutes first, but soon realized that was impossible.

ROUGH THOUGHTS TO ADD LATER
----Computers have done miraculous things, and even I can not live without living plugged-in (as a journalist and a blogger, it's a necessity of course)

----I remember getting my first pager in high school (around 91'). The thing was a big blue plastic brick with a digital display that looked like fucking an old Casio calculator.