I tasted success.
It wasn't handed to me,
I earned that shit.
I worked my fuckin' ass off
to become the man I am.
To have worked for and with
some of the greatest minds of
our century,
That was a gift
that I am trying desperately not to Squander.
I had all I needed.
An amazing Wife,
two jobs that I was passionate about,
Great Friends around us,
the chance to rock a fuckin dance floor,
having fuckin fun,
in the way that friends crazy for each other have.
I fuckin squandered it all. I thought moving to my wife's birthplace
would be great for both of us. Just bad timing.
I don't regret moving to Cali
Well, not the second time coming back anyway
and I, now, feel very much at home here.
But things are fuckin rough, having to rebuild,
Completely.
Fuckin health insurance, accidents, fuckin pills, FUCK
I was however, from the bottom of my heart
Always Chasing Righteousness. It illuded me for a while.
and I left Hashem
and so he left me
Man I blew it.
I just muthafuckin' blew it people. We blew it.
I am rebuilding
and, while it seems fuckin
Impossible
because it feels like we can not catch up
sometimes,
just catch up to ourselves
Who We Were, and who We Are.
But we have fuckin found ourselves again
and perhaps we needed to go through all these SHITTY
Nightmares
To escape the will to run
run away into fuckin intoxicants
and evil people
We are, at least, clear in mind and body
and that is Something
I guess
But Fuck I do miss Success.
2 comments:
Success can be just as much an illusion as righteousness. Don't you think? I've often wondered about the true meaning of success. After highschool I took 4 years off to party and little known to most people, was in the middle of the most intense therapy I could even imagine. I completed my therapy when everyone else was completing their bachelor's degrees...and I felt that I had achieved the greatest success in my life up to that point, even though in everyone elses eyes I was just partying and delivering pizza for a living.
So what is success? Isn't the mere fact that you even had the opportunity to work with such amazing people a success in it's own right? It might not be your ultimate life goal, but don't forget what you've already achieved.
After feeling completely defeated when I had to move home from LA because of my illness; I lost my jobs, my apartment, my boyfriend, had to drop out of grad school, and even my cat died right before I left, everything I knew and loved was gone. So I'm rebuilding as well...and it's taking a long time.
But what can you do? You just keep going. You do what you can. You do your best. You vent on blogs and take it out on inanimate objects with a bb gun.
Life doesn't always go how we think it should or want it to. And that's life...I've come to realize and depend on that fact.
Hmm, I thought this comment would be less depressing and more uplifting than it is, but I guess that's life :)
thanX for this, I kept it and read it again recently. wanna vent for my blog?? i'm finally doing my own for public consumption
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