The last two weeks have been rough.
I've been feeling irrelevant. My entire professional career, spent busting my ass in both the high end audio and music industries, has been for naught.
I was given the chance for a dream job, Great pay, back in the entertainment industry three weeks ago. The man whom I would have worked for, had he given me the job, knew me. He knew my past work, and that I was a dedicated person, and that my work ethic is exactly what he needed.
Well, he said he considered me more of a peer, and he would feel bad "having me be the guy to get his coffee." What bullshit. Needless to say I didn't get the job, even after a terrific, forty-five minute phone call with the guy.
I say look asshole (well, I didn't say it to him); here's a "peer" who needs a job! So what if he wanted to hire some eye candy with nice tits, at least tell me so!
Anyway, so it took the wind right out my fuckin' sails. It felt like a chance to live the life I loved years ago, a life full of smiles, full of dancing, nice dinners, traveling, and well, actually fuckin' living!
That's the life we had from 1998 to 2004. Not a bad run I suppose. There aren't alot of people that can pinpoint a time in their lives when they were most happy. Well, at least I can do that.
I've been kicking myself for leaving New York more and more these days. I was the bitch, I didn't stand up for the fact that I was so happy, and that's not on my wife. That's on me. People tell me I need to get over it, that I need to move on. They're right, but I don't think I will ever forgive myself, so, what do I do?
I change everything the fuck up. It's all I can do.
I won't ever let myself off the hook for giving up the life I always wanted; working in music, producing music, DJing around the world with my best friend, traveling with dear friends, money in the savings account.
But that life is no more, and I've been chasing it for too long. I have nothing, we have nothing, actually less than that. Our one good investment (aside of my wife's surgery) was our fuckin' Rav4 for Christs sake, and they recently took that away from us too.
I live in fuckin' Antioch, East Bay, California. I love California, and I'm never going back to the East Coast. All that was there for me, everything that I had worked for, those solid connections and jobs awaiting, they're all gone.
That wonderful old life does not exist here. I can't even fuckin' play any records, and I've been out of the game too long now.
Time to change it up. Perhaps it's time to join the herd, and this I do not say with the slightest bit of sarcasm. I always wanted to teach, but the schooling would be too long and we have no money.
Time to learn a real trade. Hell, who knows, but I realize the reason for my fuckin' dark times is that I simply won't forgive myself, and because of that I must change Everything.
*This was a means of pure expression, and I needed to say this to somebody, so I wrote it here.
